Interrogation Problem Solved
I know exactly how to get vital information from our captured enemies. In fact, I may write a scene in my next Jaz/Vayl adventure going into minute detail so that everyone in the FBI, CIA and every other office that reports to Homeland Security (plus my friends at Interpol) can study up on the subject.
Just make the suckers do Pilates.
I’m not just saying this because I’d been thumbing the remote and took thirty seconds to pause and stare at the amazing tortures these women (no, I have not seen any men do these sorts of exercises yet, perhaps because they have too much sense) put themselves through. I have done it myself. Because my kid thinks it’s amazing. She doesn’t have to run, and yet by the end of the session she’s out of breath and highly likely to be too sore to walk the next day. It’s like a miracle, Mom!
No, it’s like a near-death experience.
And yet, because I’m often stuck inside in the winter, unable to run my couple of miles due to icy roads and paths, I must resort to alternative means of exercise. And, realizing that DDR doesn’t exactly tone my triceps (which have begun to take off in different directions when I attempt to lift anything heavier than a can of soup) I chose to follow my daughter into the Land of Pain and Leg Lifts. Which was what led to this realization. Along with, I avidly hope, a quarter-cup less cottage cheese on my thighs.
I just want you to know, that though I call the lady on the screen many bad names, she can’t hear me. So it doesn’t count.
So what strange exercises or weird diets have you attempted to up your fitness/health/beauty quotient? And do any of them have the potential to break Al-Queda?
P.S. The voting had me on pins and needles this week! But the lack of numbers in responding is making me think I’d better wind this story up before nobody hits the site on Mondays anymore! So I’ll try not to stretch Minions out to infinity (which was never my plan anyway) and here’s what you can expect Monday….c. In the next scene we watch Voodoo Vicky train Paul and Brady in corpse-stealing 101.
This entry was posted on Thursday, January 28th, 2010 at 6:33 pm and is filed under Musings . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
January 28th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
Ugh, I’ve tried a lot. From low-carb, non-fat to raw foods. I’ve done weight watchers and a brief stint with curves. One day about 3 years ago I was complaining about everything I’d tried to keep my weight under controll and my uncle heard me. My, SSG Army, uncle who’s pratically one big muscle anyway said he could fix me right up. Oh and man did he! Lots of running and push ups and sit ups. Lol. One time I told him (after running 5 miles) that I wanted to shove my sneaker down his throat and I WOULD find a way to do it from my spot I was laying on the ground cause I couldn’t run another step. He just
blew me a raspberry and kept running! BUT I got
in the best shape of my life and now if I don’t run
at least a couple miles a day I feel totaly off kilter.
January 28th, 2010 at 7:19 pm
Well luckily for me my body is quite petite but that’s probably due to the three hours of PE at school a week, plus another 6 hours of school and extra curricular dance as well. And I’m just way too fond of the sweet stuff to try a diet. But yes I would have to agree that Pilates would be an excellent style of torture. I’ve tried it and will never try again. Everything hurt the next day. Ouch
January 29th, 2010 at 12:21 am
I too have done low carb (the longest 4 weeks of my life lol), no fat, calorie counting etc. Ran at high school, then ankles packed in so had to stop.
Tai-chi and yoga are the two worst I’ve done, I got rather fit doing Tai-chi (it was run by a mad man who also ran Kung Fu), honestly it was harder than karate
Though if you want anyone to fold, give up all their secrets and swear allegance to the flag, my mother in laws cooking especially her schnitzel noodle casserole with cabbage and roast potatos, not even my corgi cross would eat this.
January 29th, 2010 at 2:48 am
I’ve tried pilates, for a couple of weeks anyway, i could hardly get into the right posture to start! The guy who was taking it was in the most amazing shape though, so it must do something!
The worst exercise i’ve ever done is a beep test (where you have to run from one end of gym hall to the other between beeps and they get closer and closer together so you hav to go faster and faster) thought i was going to collapse! Perfect torture in my opinion!
January 29th, 2010 at 6:43 am
Worst pain from exercise. – yoga after not stretching or exercising for 6 months.
Oddly enough low exercise and just stretching really well seems to help my weight but it’s getting into the habit that’s hard for me.
I didn’t vote this week on the story as I couldn’t decide between the choices!!
January 29th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
LOL, Nicole! I hear you–beware of uncles in the military. They WILL kick your ass!
It pays to stay busy, Bec! At this rate you’ll probably still be dancing at the age of eighty!
Yes, Penny, I agree. I have eaten food that would literally make me cry. What grosses me out the most? Fatty meat. Blech.
Never heard of that, Sophie, but the stress alone would probably do me in!
Ahh, you were just too torn to decide, huh, Tori? Well, I’m hoping you’ll like what I come up with Monday. A new character cometh!
January 29th, 2010 at 12:25 pm
My husband and I joined Weight Watchers last yr (currently not in it) He lost 48lbs and not sure how many inches. I lost about 18lbs and lots of inches. ANyways, the exercise that I’ve tried was Billy’s Bootcamp. OH man! I was sore for 3days after!
Though I do plan on working more on the Wii Fit (its fun! and a workout) because I’d love to say I could finish Billy’s Bootcamp!.
January 29th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
I’ve been doing 3 kilometres a day on the treadmill for a while now. The physical pain caused by that is becoming bearable (just) but the financial pain is horrific – I’ve spent megabucks on DVDs to keep from dying of boredom!
January 29th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Now you’ve made curious about this kind of tort… ehm, I mean, sport. I may give it a try sometime.
I think the strangest thing has been when I tried taking some herb pills that were supposed to help you get rid of water in excess in your body. Problem was, it really drained away a lot of water, so let’s say it caused me to be always aware of where the nearest toilet was. If you took that possibility away I think it’d break pretty much everyone, but I think it’d be too much. Not to mention that nobody would want to be the one doing the interrogation.
Sorry, I wasn’t able to come by and vote cause my pc is still awol, and when I tried yesterday from my mum’s the server just wouldn’t let me through to the site. *insert stressed growl here*
January 29th, 2010 at 7:16 pm
Muay Thai (Thai Boxing) without shin pads. If you are are hitting another person it’s shin on shin and the heavy boxing bags rip off your skin on your knees and elbows.
January 30th, 2010 at 9:50 am
Torture is quite easy to be honest. For example Put someone on a counterbalanced chair with a hole underneath. Have it positioned correctly so that as long as they keep thier backside clenched they don’t move. Then give them phenophalin and watch the fun as they grease thier way down. It’s also been proved recently that if you do it right you can impale someone and keep them alive.
Or you’ve got the fun of nails inbetween the fingernail and skin. If you want a proper torture look at Mahone in Prison Break Season Four (I think its episode 9 where he’s extracting revenge for his son.)